Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday

No beating around the bush today.

April 4, 2012: +1.7 pounds, -36 pounds total

I have a problem.  I have a food addiction.  I love sweets.  I can be trusted around anything with sugar in it.  I need a sugar intervention.  I love to bake, which in turn, makes me want to eat everything I bake.  Basically, that means no baking.  I think I need a sugar detox.  Or to only eat savory foods, no sweets.  I need help with my eating.  I need to be better at tracking things in Lose It.  I need to quit making excuses for myself. 

This weight loss thing is hard.  I knew that.  I lost the motivation I had in the beginning.  I'm at the weight I was during college.  My clothes are fitting again.  In turn, that makes me feel comfortable.  But.  I'm still incredibly unhappy with the way I look.  So unhappy. 

Like I said, I have a food addiction.  I eat because I'm bored.  I'm bored because I have a sad social life.  I eat to numb the pain of feeling like I have no friends.  I've been this way my whole life.  I've eaten to numb the pain of something else going on.  That has to be the most real and vulnerable thing I've said here.  This is real life.

Reasons why I eat to fill the void of:
  • feeling like I've lost all of my close friends.
  • pushing away the friends that were once close to me.
  • feeling like a failure when it comes to my career -- I know what I want to do with my life, but I can't do that without years of experience and no one will give me the experience I need.  Feeling like a failure.
This feeling is a double edge sword.  I still have thoughts of this below.

Reasons why I want to be as healthy as possible:
  • To feel good about myself and be happy with myself.
  • When Sean and I are ready to have a baby a few years from now, I want my body to be in tip top shape.
  • To be happy.  I know reaching my goal weight will not make instant happiness, but the journey of getting there and working my ass of (literally) is what will make me happy.
It's kind of a sad state around these parts.  Never fear, I'm still the happy, optimistic person I usually am, but a weight gain makes these kinds of thoughts run through my head.  I don't want to sugar coat things.  This little bloggy blog is me and sometimes I'm sad and down on myself.

I'll be back to my bubbly self in the next blog post. 


The Wistes said...

Bummer- and we walked so many miles! You need to look at your positive stats, too... that 40 lb. milestone is coming up so soon!
As for your career aspirations, I just thought to tell you about Hazel & Wren (.com). Maybe you are already aware, but it is all things literary in the cities (contests and other events, submissions of work for others to review, etc.) and its run by Melissa Wray and her sister, whom you may remember from Caledonia high school.
See you soon! And Charlie has been majorly practicing saying Kali (something like "bla-la", with lots of tongue, so cute).

The Lingens said...

You have worked so hard and look amazing. Take credit for all you have accomplished so far and keep looking forward. ML