On starting again...

Remember this post?  I was so inspired then, so inspired then to lose the weight.  And I did lose some of it.  But not all that I wanted.  Then I gained some of it back.  And now I'm almost back to where I started.

I've decided I'm going to do weekly weigh ins.  I first thought of doing it Friday, but if I move it to Wednesday, I'll feel more accountable over the weekend.  I struggle most with eating and logging what I eat at My Fitness Pal on the weekends when I'm not at work and have the structure of breakfast, lunch, and dinner planned out for me.  So Wednesday weigh day it is.

These weekly weigh ins I've decided I'm going to do something different from last time.  I'm actually going to post a picture of the scale from my weigh in.  I've gone back and forth about this so many times.  But, you know what?  It's just a number.  A number that doesn't (shouldn't) define me.  A number that defines me too much in my head.  To overcome this fear of other people knowing exactly how much I weigh and letting that number define me, I'm going to post it.  And it's terrifying. 

This time around, again, I am asking for your support. 

I haven't decided on a goal weight specifically yet.  I think I will know when I get there.  I'm going to be experimenting with some new lower calorie/carb recipes that hopefully I can blog about over on Jacques (yes I know I haven't posted there in months). 

Anyway, below this morning's picture of my starting weight.  I haven't decided if I'm going to do a weigh in this week since Wednesday is only two days away...

Starting weight - 258.2

My daily calorie limit on My Fitness Pal is 1,610.  My breakfast this morning consisted of a fried egg, lemon chobani, and coffee with a splash of cream - 274 calories total.  Lunch is a Lean Cuisine and grapes.  I touched on it last Friday, but dinner is going to be all about portion control.  Also, making healthier dinners is better for not only me, but Sean as well.  This time around, I'm not going to restrict any foods since I feel that is setting me up for failure.  I'm going to go about this from a portion control aspect. 

Come along with me on my journey or just watch from the sidelines.

Fat smash diet thoughts and feelings.

I've been on the Fat Smash Diet for the last week or so.  I started in phase 1 with lists of foods I can and cannot eat. 

My thoughts on this diet:

• Diets are silly.  I would rather be calorie counting.
• This experience re-affirmed why I want to lose weight.  Last Tuesday, I weighed myself for the first time in over a month.  The scale was up (no surprise there) and starting the Fat Smash Diet sounded great.  The next day, I was already down some weight.  I felt great.  But then there was a potluck at work and foods I couldn't eat.
• Basically, I'll be using what I learned while doing this.  Mostly though, I'm going to be more conscious of the foods I'm eating - like I was in the beginning. 

I'm hoping back on the lifestyle change horse.  Are you with me?

May 1st Thoughts.

Happy May Day!  I can't believe it is already May.  Where has the time gone? 

So, a topic I haven't been blogging about and trying not to think about.  My weight.  I weighed in this morning.  I'm down .4 pound(s?).  I suspect I'm down more than that since I haven't weighed in since April 4, 2012.  I was in a funk.  I was angry about gaining 1.7 pounds.  I'm past that now.  I'm refocused.

What refocused me, you ask?  Well, I was reading an issue of Allure.  I can't remember if it was April or March's issue.  I tried finding the article online, but alas, could not.  Anyway, the article was about weight loss and the discipline it takes.  It was one woman's account of how she lost weight through thinking of a diet as a discipline.  It wasn't about motivation or self control.  It was about discipline.  And when I think about the food I'm going to eat during the day, I think about the discipline of weight loss.  The article really shed some light.  I'm going to keep trying to find it.  It was a good one. 

Instead of finding motivation (or waiting for it) I've found this works for me.  Over the past week, I've noticed I'm not snacking unnecessarily (very much).  I'm not eating out of boredom.  I'm getting my eating habits under control. 

For most of April, I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating.  I wasn't logging my food into LoseIt.  I wasn't being successful at all.  Right now though, I'm happy with my plan. 

I've been exercising.  I'm working on the Couch to 5K plan again.  I went for a "run" last night.  By "run" I mean run for specific time, walk for specific time.  On Sunday, Sean and I did some garden work at the community garden.  I'm signed up for the mowing work group, so I did a bit of mowing.  The non-self propelled push mower definitely worked my arm and shoulder muscles.  Also, shoveling dirt is a full body workout.  Over the weekend I did some Jillian Michael's Extreme Shed & Shred.  So, I've been trying to be active. 

Now, it is time to buckle down.  I've got a wedding in 101 days to prepare for.

Weigh in Wednesday

No beating around the bush today.

April 4, 2012: +1.7 pounds, -36 pounds total

I have a problem.  I have a food addiction.  I love sweets.  I can be trusted around anything with sugar in it.  I need a sugar intervention.  I love to bake, which in turn, makes me want to eat everything I bake.  Basically, that means no baking.  I think I need a sugar detox.  Or to only eat savory foods, no sweets.  I need help with my eating.  I need to be better at tracking things in Lose It.  I need to quit making excuses for myself. 

This weight loss thing is hard.  I knew that.  I lost the motivation I had in the beginning.  I'm at the weight I was during college.  My clothes are fitting again.  In turn, that makes me feel comfortable.  But.  I'm still incredibly unhappy with the way I look.  So unhappy. 

Like I said, I have a food addiction.  I eat because I'm bored.  I'm bored because I have a sad social life.  I eat to numb the pain of feeling like I have no friends.  I've been this way my whole life.  I've eaten to numb the pain of something else going on.  That has to be the most real and vulnerable thing I've said here.  This is real life.

Reasons why I eat to fill the void of:

• feeling like I've lost all of my close friends.
• pushing away the friends that were once close to me.
• feeling like a failure when it comes to my career -- I know what I want to do with my life, but I can't do that without years of experience and no one will give me the experience I need.  Feeling like a failure.

This feeling is a double edge sword.  I still have thoughts of this below.

Reasons why I want to be as healthy as possible:

• To feel good about myself and be happy with myself.
• When Sean and I are ready to have a baby a few years from now, I want my body to be in tip top shape.
• To be happy.  I know reaching my goal weight will not make instant happiness, but the journey of getting there and working my ass of (literally) is what will make me happy.

It's kind of a sad state around these parts.  Never fear, I'm still the happy, optimistic person I usually am, but a weight gain makes these kinds of thoughts run through my head.  I don't want to sugar coat things.  This little bloggy blog is me and sometimes I'm sad and down on myself.

I'll be back to my bubbly self in the next blog post. 

Weigh in Wednesday.

March 28, 2012: -.3 pounds, -37.7 pounds total

Story time.  On Monday night I weighed myself and I was over four pounds heavier than today's weight.  I'm happy I've lost a little bit of weight since the last weigh in Wednesday.  I've been eating really well the past few days.  Let's keep this train a-chugging along.

Happy Wednesday!

Turning a new leaf.

I decided yesterday on my bike ride into work I am turning a new leaf with this weight loss lifestyle change.  The past few months of crappy eating and gaining and losing the same few pounds is behind me.  I'm starting fresh, as of yesterday.

With the weather getting nicer and the grass getting greener, I'm finding it is easier to exercise.  I am able to ride my bike to work and to other places, such as the library.  I'm finding myself wanting to be active more because the sun doesn't set quite so early and the temperature unseasonably warmer than it has been.  Now, if only the rain would hold off...

What are you most excited about with spring on it's way?

Weigh in Wednesday

Today is Wednesday.  You know what that means.

March 14, 2012: +.9 pounds, -37.4 pounds total

Yes, I gain a little under one pound.  I blame it on the fact that I am eating like a horse this week out of the month.  I wonder how much weight a person would lose if they took a good poop?  Too much information?  Okay, sorry about that.  I'm awkward.

Anyway, I'm not upset about this.  I'm becoming a biking fool in the gorgeous spring weather, so I know I'll be on the losing side of things from here on out.  The sun is shining and I've got a smile on my face.

Be prepared for exciting things, people!

Did you weigh in today?  How did it go?

First Bike Ride of 2012

My route from Daily Mile

My bike and I went for a spin yesterday, a 3.47 mile spin.  Sean was there, too, on his own bike of course.

Sean finished giving Lenny a spring tune up when we got home from Sleepy Eye yesterday.  It was so gorgeous and the paths and roads were dry, so I was practically begging to go. 
While biking, muscles that are used to propel the bike forward were burning.  My quads definitely didn't hurt as much as they did when I first got the bike last fall, but they were being worked yesterday.  It's raining today, but as soon as the roads are dry you better believe I will be biking to work.  Hopefully tomorrow, but definitely Wednesday.  Woo!
How did you enjoy the beautiful weather this weekend?

Last Night's Run

Last night's run was a major mental battle for me.  Maybe it was partly physical, I don't know, but I know it was a struggle mentally. 

As I was running on the treadmill wanting to die, things like this would flash through my mind:

Found on Pinterest, couldn't find the original posting of it.

And this:

Also on Pinterest, uploaded by user so no link.

And lastly this:

From Pinterest, originally from here.

During the run I wanted to give up so incredibly badly.  Today I'm glad I didn't give up.  Today I am happy I stuck it out.  I think I'm most proud of completing that run.

Ran.

I ran.  A very slow mile.  But I did it.

Getting comfortable and not caring.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now.  While I have lost 36.7 pounds since beginning this lifestyle change on July 28, 2011, it is nowhere near my goal weight of 160 pounds. 

I know the reason why I haven't been losing more weight.  I'm getting comfortable at my weight right now.  I'm at the weight I was in college and my clothes that were too small are fitting again.  It feels great to be able to wear jeans I haven't worn in over a year.  I thought I was being silly when last spring I moved a bunch of clothes that were too small. 

On Saturday, while doing laundry I needed a pair of jeans to wear out of the apartment.  The only jeans I had are way too big.  I could pull them down with them buttoned and zipped.  I slid a belt on and kept those suckers on. 

I'm proud of how far I've come, but I am not happy with my weight right now.  I have a beautiful wedding dress to slim down one size to fit into.  I had a dream last night I recieved a phone call from the bridal shop letting me know my dress was in and I needed to come in for my first fitting.  I woke up terrified and immediately checked my phone to see if that was indeed true.  Thankfully, it is not.  But.  I still need to lose more weight to fit into that gorgeous white dress.  I really can't wait to wear it.  My mom will agree, it's pretty damn awesome.

I know what it takes to lose weight.  I just need to do it.  It's a motivation issue.  I wish I could slap the picture of my wedding dress all over to keep reminding me that if I don't work on the weight loss, it is not going to fit.  Every morning in my half sleep daze of turning my alarms on my cell phone off, I look at the pictures my mom took of me in the dress.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  I can't have pictures of my wedding dress laying around my apartment though, so not posting it everywhere.  I definitely do not want Sean to see it. 

Any motivation tips?

P.S.  Sean we're working out tonight.  I might be running...

You know you've lost weight when...

When your underwear is too big and sags and falls down.  Not cool.

I think it's time to throw out this pair. 

Weigh in Wednesday.

I'll just get right down to the skinny of it.

February 15, 2012: -1.1 pounds, -36.5 pounds total

A little perspective...

Apparently I like pain?

I did Extreme Shed and Shred again last night.  Well, the first workout.  I'm terrified to do both workouts at once.

While I don't hurt as much as I did over the weekend, I definitely felt some muscle tightness on my walk into work this morning.

Keep on keeping on.

Did you notice?

Did you notice I didn't blog about Weigh in Wednesday this morning?  After all, it is Wednesday.

Let me tell you why.  Seeing as yesterday was my birthday, I don't think calories should count on your birthday.  I know, what irrational thinking.  That is exactly why I am overweight now.  Trust me, I know.

But.  My one wish for my birthday was that Sean get me an ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery.  Boy, did he come through.  He got me the six inch sized cake.  It layers red velvet cake with cake batter flavored ice cream.  It was amazing.

Not only did Sean get me a fantastic cake, he also made my birthday a thousand times better.  You see, yesterday I was feeling pretty blue.  I totally wanted to have a pity party by myself for the entire day.  I think I've figured out the reason why I was so upset, and no, it's not only because I discovered my first wrinkle.  I've been having a mini quarter life crisis.  I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and I can guarantee it is not what I am doing now.  I want to find something where I am genuinely happy to wake up and go to work every day.  Yesterday and the days leading up to it I was completely freaking out.  I still kind of am, but I will find my way.

Anyway, about my birthday evening.  I got home from work and Sean showed me the cake in the freezer and the bottle of wine he picked up for me.  He cooked me dinner: steak, roasted veggies, and baked potato.  I drank my bottle of wine over the course of the evening.  Sean gave me Adele's CD so I can belt it while in the car.  He let me watch Glee, New Girl, and Raising Hope.  He let me fall asleep on the couch with a lap kitty.  It was a fantastic end to the day.

Of course phone calls from my parents, Becky and Charlie, and a text message from Travis were very important to me as well.  Katie even sang me happy birthday when I got to work yesterday morning.  All in all, my 24th birthday was pretty great.  It was definitely better than last year's recovery from my appendectomy surgery.

Today though, calories totally count.  Now it is all focus on losing weight for the wedding dress and reminding myself of how badly I want to reach my goal weight. 

Weigh in Wednesday.

Awwww, yeah!

February 1, 2012: -4.4 pounds, -35.4 pounds total

Weekly goal update. Last week, I set goals of walking to work every day and logging all of my food in Lose It.  Well, I walked to and from every day, but I failed horribly at logging in Lose It.  Literally, all I logged was my breakfast Wednesday morning.  I need to get better at that.

This week's goals.  Walk to work every day but today (because I need my car for work today).  Log in Lose It for four days this week.

Ready, set, go!

Weigh in Wednesday.

The weigh in today has been disappointing all around.

I did not complete my weekly goals from last week and I did not lose weight.

I actually gained weight - 3.3 pounds to be exact.

But.  I'm not going to make any excuses like, "I hope it's weight from building muscle," or, "It's probably water weight."  Moral of the story is I gained weight.  No pity party here, just hopping back on the horse. 

January 25, 2012: +3.3 pounds, -31 pounds total

Goal update.  Clearly, I did not lose two pounds and I didn't run four miles.  I ran 3.63 miles.  Last night, I was having some, how you say, stomach issues?  I had to stop running, so I switched to some weight lifting instead.

This week's goal are going to be a little different.  My goals are to walk to work every day and to log all of my food for the next week in Lose It.  I've been really bad about logging food and that will help me get back on the horse.

Have a nice week!

I know.

I know I should blog more.
I know I should run more and eat less.
I know I should blog about running more and eating less.

I know a lot of things.  I worry about what I know I should be doing.

Things I know and don't have to worry about:

I ran 1.5 miles tonight.  I ran those 1.5 miles in 21:44 (slow) but finished the run.
I have a dress (!!) for the wedding!
I'm working on designing the save the dates.
I will do a quick blog post about wedding schtuff sometime soon, but I don't want to bore you.
I love wearing spandex running pants.

Weekly Goals

I'm thinking I should set a couple weekly goals for myself. 

Yes, my ultimate goal is to lose 119 pounds, but that number is so larger and daunting.  That is what is holding me back.  I keep saying to myself, "I want to get down to 150," but right now I'm far from it.  That is why I'm going to start making weekly weight loss and exercise goals.

For example.

Side note.  Every single time I say for example I think of every Spanish teacher I had in high school and college that would say for example in Spanish - por ejemplo. 

Again, for example, this week my goal is to lose three pounds and to run at least three miles. The running should be easily attainable since I'm probably going to be running tonight, tomorrow, and for sure next Monday. The challenge will be losing the three pounds. I need to keep my eating in check this week (and every week).  My week will run from Wednesday to the following Tuesday.  This may seem confusing, but with Weigh in Wednesday I need to have a base to start with.

In my mind, working to get those three pounds (or whatever my weekly goal is) will make my ultimate goal much more achievable. 

What do you think?  Are you going to have a weekly goal (or two) to work toward this week?

Weigh in Wednesday

Drum roll please...

I lost 2.2 pounds since last Wednesday.  Woo!

January 11, 2012: -2.2 pounds, -32.9 pounds total